Motherhood.

All through my pregnancy I found it really hard to believe I was actually going to be a mum. I knew there was a baby on the way, I knew he was inside of me but to actually believe he was mine, I couldn't! After Toby was born I just stared at him, really stared at him. This little human was really mine... I am a mum.

Leaving the hospital was so exciting. We walked out with our new little bub in my arms, people looking at us with little smiles. It was a lovely moment, Toby just slept contently in my arms. Jay and I felt proud, proud of our little boy and very happy for people to see him. We eventually got him into the car seat, after a phone call to my brother because we couldn't work out how to make the straps longer!! He looked so tiny and cute and I worried about his head. I think we all worry about their heads!  He slept all the way home.

I get home and look at Toby... what do I do now? During the stay at the hospital I soaked up all the advice and support given to me. As helpful as it was it also lead to confusion as each midwife had differing opinions! As well as listening to the midwives I also read a lot of information on motherhood and newborns online. Google is great but it can also be our enemy. All this information caused me to second guess everything I did. Was he feeding ok? Is he putting on enough weight? Has he had enough wet/dirty nappies? Is his poo the right colour and consistency? OMG he can poop eight times in one day? What creams do I use? Is that a rash? Is he sleeping too much? Is he not sleeping enough? Do I wrap him? What on earth do I dress him in? He is too hot? Is he too cold? Does he have a cold? Do I let him cry? Do I hold him too much? Do I rock him to sleep? Why doesn't he self settle? OMG why does he have snot? Why won't he stop crying? His head is hot, does he have a temperature? Is he meeting his milestones? Is it normal for them to fart this much? Can he sleep on his side? Is he sick again? He slept for 3 hours... IS HE STILL BREATHING? My brain was so full of questions, second guessing every little thing I was doing, scared I was doing everything wrong. I found myself anxious and I constantly needed reassurance that everything was ok.

Before Toby, before being a mum, I was a confident woman who knew what she was doing. Well, most of the time anyway. Now I am responsible for this little life I thought I had no idea, turns out I did. It is this little thing called "mothers instinct". This is not learnt by reading information, it is in built in every single mother in this world. After several weeks of being a mother I realised this was the best voice to listen too. I still read and education myself on different parenting topics but at the end of the day, I listen to my instincts. I still have some anxiety, I don't think this will ever leave me.

 

I look at him, so pure and perfect in every way. I have discovered a love that I had never felt before and is not like any other. It's like I have been missing a part of my heart, I didn't know it was missing until Toby came along and filled that hole. I love being his mum but it also scares me. I only want the best for him, I want him to be the best he can be and most of all I want him to be happy. I am scared of being a bad mum, scared that I am going to fail him. Sadly, I know I am not going to be perfect at this job, who is? I am going to give it my best and hope that that will be enough. Maybe this is a burden that all mum's carry with them. I have no idea what the years will bring, I hope and pray good things. I know at the moment my son does not see my faults he just sees his mum, who he loves unconditionally. I cherish these moments.

I have started the journey, the journey of motherhood.  From my limited experience (3 months) it is a rather bumpy journey, with highs, lows, sleep depravation, poo, vomit, wee, dribble, tears, laughter, joy, frustration and every other emotion possible! Is it worth it? Every time my baby smiles at me, I know it is all worth it.