Toby's First Year

Here is the first year of Toby's life in pictures. It's been such an amazing year. I love being this kids mum, it's such a joy. 

This photo was taken around 18 hours before Toby was born. It was around 15 hours after the induction begun. I was massive! The gown isn't the most flattering clothing piece either! 

Toby is born! 34 hours after the induction began. What a cutie. 

All hooked up to IV antibiotics for an unknown virus he contracted during the long labour, he was such a little trooper!

On our way home. He looks so tiny! 

Toby's first Christmas! Too much cuteness! 

4 weeks old and smiling at his Nanna. 

Two months old and formula was introduced due to feeding problems. I was incredibly sad this is exactly what he needed. 

He is around 3 months old here and becoming very aware of his surroundings and loves playing with his toys. 

4 months old and he is just cute! This is such a beautiful age. 

5 months old and we start solids. This is the only time I gave him rice cereal, as you can see he's not too excited! I moved to smashed pumpkin, sweet potato and then moved to finger foods quickly. 

6 months old! The only time he enjoyed a rusk, he never really got into them. At this stage he wasn't really rolling, he'd go tummy to back occasionally but mostly he'd just scream if I put him on his tummy!! 

7 months old and he's getting very expressive! This was the look he was giving his cousins! He was rolling tummy to back but not back to tummy. He was loving solids. This is also when he went into daycare and I went off to work. It was hard and still is. Our bond has not lessened and he is thriving, but I still struggle leaving him. So thankful for school holidays!

8 months old and he's pretty much sitting up independently. His little personality is coming out. I'm pretty sure he was rolling both ways at this pony as well. But no where near crawling! 

9 months and he has learnt to clap and is getting his first two teeth! Still not crawling! 9 months is also when he contracted hand foot and mouth, it's a horrible disease. 

My poor boy suffered through almost two weeks of sickness. Broke my heart. 

10 months and he is almost crawling. He can go from lying down to sitting up but still hasn't quite got the crawling happening. 

11 months! Toby is now waving, clapping and throwing tantrums!!! He started crawling not long after 11 months. 

Toby is 1 in a couple of days! He is now pulling himself up on everything and just started to cruise along furniture! He is getting into everything! He is getting very good at communicating and has learnt the word no (along with the shaking of the head). He loves feeding himself and playing with other kids. I cannot believe how much he has grown, developed and changed over the year. It's really remarkable and I've enjoyed each stage.

I love motherhood. It's definitely had it's ups and downs but overall, Toby has been such a joy. I really cannot imagine my life without him. 

My big-headed boy!

The words I fear most in this world are - "There might be something wrong with your baby..."

I booked Toby into his 8 month check up and went along feeling incredibly confident that all was ok. Before the appointment I went through my green book checking what he should be doing and in my opinion, he was meeting all his milestones. I am sure this visit would be just a simple weigh in and health check and then be sent on my merry way. Oh how wrong I was!

We arrived and the nurse checked out Toby, as they always do. Measured and weighed him, that is where the problem was. His head had some "accelerated head growth". Plus, according to the Maternal Health Nurse, his fontanelle was too big, which can be a sign of development delays. The nurse tried to reassure me that he was not showing any sign of a delay, he was not only meeting his milestones, he was a little ahead. But it was too late, the damage was done. He is my little boy, my perfect little boy and you are telling me there might be something wrong with him?

I held it together till I was in my car, then the tears started. I can no longer see any reason when someone in the medical field says there is something wrong with Toby. I immediately turn into an emotional mess. My anxiety surrounding Toby's growth and development has been there since he was conceived.

Following the advice from the Maternal Health Nurse I booked in a doctors appointment for the next day. I went along to my doctor and he looked at Toby's growth charts, he agreed with the nurse on all accounts. He then wrote a referral to see a Paediatrician and faxed it off for me. As soon as I left the doctors I rang the Paediatrician and pushed for an appointment the next day, I got one.

That night I stared at Toby's charts, spoke to friends who were in the medical profession, googled a lot and cried! So thankful for the friends who were there for me, they were constantly praying, texting and continually encouraging me, I appreciate them more than words can express!

Toby's appointment was at 10 am the next morning. The Paediatrician was lovely, Toby happily played in her room while I answered all the questions she had. It was then time for her to examine Toby, by this time he was seriously over people touching his head!! After the examination the Paediatrician told me that I need to go to the Royal Children's Hospital. I looked at her a little shocked and asked if she meant right now, today. Her reply was yes, right now and she was calling ahead to let them know I was on my way. Toby needed further tests as she suspected he might have fluid on the brain, Hydrocephalus. I said ok, held myself together while I paid for the consultation and organised all the paper work from the Paediatrician for the hospital.

Once in the car I called Jay but couldn't really talk because of the tears. Even now writing this causes the same emotion. My beautiful boy. The emotions of a mother will never be understood by anyone until they become a mum. I drove to the hospital imagining all the worst case scenario's, even imagining him having brain surgery!

I arrived at the hospital and went straight to triage. The nurse entered his details and sure enough there were already notes on his file from a doctor, who my Paediatrician obviously contacted. We were taken around to the ultrasound waiting room. They said they were fully booked for the day but would fit Toby in as soon as they could. Thankfully my brother came and sat with us, his support was appreciated. And I needed nappies! I had planned on going to the shops straight after seeing the Paediatrician to buy nappies!! Of course, that didn't happen. After an hour or so Toby's  name was called. I stared at the screen while the ultrasound was being done trying to work out what he was seeing and if it was good or bad, of course, I had no idea!!!!

After the ultrasound we went back into the waiting room and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited.

Toby was his normal happy self, no idea what was going on!

Toby loved watching and yelling at the fish in the huge aquarium.

He even managed to have a bit of a snooze.

Finally, 6 hours after arriving at the hospital Toby's name was called. We went in to talk to the Hospital Paediatrician about the results. I don't remember her name, but I remember how amazing she was. The Paediatrician read out the results from the ultrasound "No excess fluid found, perfect amount of grey matter", his brain was fine. Thank God for that. She then measured my head, turns out it is on the 98th centile, it is big (more ways than one). The paediatrician said that he just has a big head. I asked her about the fontanelle and the chances of a delay. She was very sweet and went through every possible disease linked to large heads and fontanelle's and why Toby doesn't have it. Toby was sitting on my lap clapping at everything she was saying, it was very cute. She said that he was a perfect little boy, the fontanelle seemed fine to her, and it will close in good time. The relief I felt cannot be put into words, he was ok.

I came home absolutely exhausted but I am so thankful that I live in a country with such amazing medical care. I may have had to wait for a long time but that doesn't matter, my baby boy was seen to that day and received top medical care and advice.

Just to be sure his head was ok, I needed to get it measured again in six weeks time to make sure it is not still growing at the same rate. Back to the Maternal Health Nurse we went, and it had only grown .5 of a cm in the 6 weeks but his boy had grown 2 cm's! He is now back in proportion and there is no more worry about his head!!!! Maybe he was in the middle of a growth spurt and his head grew first? He does need an additional graph in his green book because he is officially off the charts! I have a big, perfect and happy little boy. All this was stressful and emotion but I am so thankful he is ok. While it caused a lot of drama I am still glad the Nurse brought it to my attention, if there was something wrong, its best to get onto these things early.

I just think he is super smart needs a big head to contain all his brains! ;)

It's all good!

Wow, its been weeks since I last wrote a post! It feels like only days though, time is flying!!

The last post was all about Toby starting daycare and about how I was going to cope working full time. For the first three days Toby cried on and off all day, so did I! It was so hard. My heart would break when I rang the centre and heard him crying in the back ground. I knew it was going to be tough but as Jay and I were finding out, it was so much harder than we both ever expected. I had only been back at work two days and I was questioning the decision. Were we doing the right thing? Am I harming my son? Will Toby regress? So many questions floating around in my head and I was constantly beating myself up and I felt so guilty. And this was only after two days!

Monday morning of the second week came around. I called the daycare at 12 to see how Toby was going and expected to hear crying, but I didn't! They said he was going really well, yay! I went to pick him up and he cried when he saw me, but that was it. He had a great day. Much more settled than the previous two days! A week into and Toby stopped crying when I arrived, he just gave big smiles! Of course, if I didn't pick him up within the first 30 seconds then there would be tears!

Toby has attached himself to the carers, who give him lots of hugs and kisses. (I spy on them before going into the room) I can see that they genuinely care for my son and enjoy looking after him. They take him to different rooms to show him off and everyone in the centre knows him by name and continually tells me what a beautiful boy I have. I am so glad he is getting love and attention from these amazing child care workers.

Now we are 5 weeks in and Toby is loving it! He has a little whinge when he is dropped off, but that's all. He loves watching the kids play, they all know him by name and involve him in the games, singing and other activities. It's so good for him socially. He eats well and sleeps well. At home he is still a very happy boy who hasn't regressed. He still babbles, plays and has even started clapping! 

After I pick him up he is attached to me for the rest of the night. That's ok, cause I'm attached to him! I love our cuddles and just being with each other, just me and him. We play, read, sing and just talk. It's precious time that I cherish. I almost don't want him to go to bed! 

My beautiful boy

Jay and I have settled into the daily routine pretty well. As I said previously, I'm enjoying my job. Some days it's very hard. One Monday morning I went to work with only 3 hours of broken sleep. It's amazing what you can do on such little sleep!! I'm tired all day, everyday. But this is my life, this is what I have to do so I might as well get on with it!  

I'm so thankful for a supportive team at work. They know who they are! Thank you! And also an awesome husband who helps out so much in many areas. He even gets up to Toby through the night, I am blessed. 

I now know that we have done the right thing. My son is fine, I'm enjoying work and we are building a house and future for our family. We are doing what is right for us. Life is good. Life is very good. Slowly we will reach all our goals, one day at a time! 

Working Mum

It's begun, I am back at work, I am officially a working mum. I really don't know how to be a working mum.

I was meant to go back on Monday however, both Toby and I have been very sick. Because of the sickness I couldn't do daycare orientation for a couple of weeks. Not what I had planned. This was not how it was meant to happen. The doctor had given me Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off. On Wednesday the doctor gave Toby the all clear. I took him into daycare on the Wednesday afternoon as I was heading back to work on the Thursday. We went into the room and I sat with him for a while and then the staff kicked me out and made me a coffee. Around 20 minutes later Toby was brought to me as he was crying his little heart out. Broke my heart, the tears started.

Wednesday night I went home and prepared Toby's bag and my bag. I wrote long notes to the daycare to tell them what Toby eats, how he goes to sleep and other bits and pieces. I did a check list for Jay too.  I crawled into bed at 1230am and silently cried myself to sleep. I knew I would be a working mum but I always thought I would stay home till my baby was 12 months old. It just hasn't worked out that way, so we will all have to adjust.

My alarm went off Thursday morning at 6am. I dragged myself out of bed. I quickly got myself ready, got Toby and my breakfast organised and then woke Tobes up at 630. Gave him a breastfeed and then gave him to his daddy to feed him his solids. It was weetbix so I am very happy to hand that over!! I left the house around 720am. Drove through Macca's and got myself a coffee. That is my daily indulgence, a nice coffee. Mainly, so I don't fall asleep!!!

I got to work just before 8am. I held back my tears all the way and even at work I was ok. It wasn't until I saw one of my close friends that the tears fell and I couldn't stop them. I missed my baby. My boy. My world. My heart was breaking and the tears were an expression of this. I am crying now writing this! All of my work colleagues were so supportive, I work with such great people (y'all know who you are!). The first thing I did when I got to work was put up photo's of my boy so I can look at him and show him off to the world!

My photo board at work

Toby stayed with his daddy all morning. Jay does a great job with him, feeds him, puts him to bed and even changes nappies. I am blessed. Out of all this I think this is such a positive, dad and son are going to have such a strong bond. At 1130am Jay took him to daycare. Poor Jay gets the hard job, the drop off. I think this proved to be harder for Jay than what he imagined. I called the daycare not long after Jay left and Toby was ok. I think he plays happily then remembers I am not there and has a little cry. He ate his lunch, had a 1.5 hour sleep and did not get into a state like he did Wednesday. I was so relieved. I picked him up at 3pm, I walked in and he burst into tears. Again, which started my tears! As soon as he was in my arms he was ok. We came home and had some quality mummy and baby time.

Today was a bit harder for him. There were 10 other kids in the room today, so a bit more noisy. He doesn't like noise, hopefully he will adjust soon. He did well, again. I am so proud of my boy. He is such a champion. I wanna wake him up and hug him now!!!! It was a bit better for me, except he woke at 530 so my day began very early. I still cried saying goodbye but once I was at work I was ok. I picked him up today at 315, he'd been there 4 hours. He will only ever be there for 5 hours so he did super well. Afterwards we went out for a coffee together.

Toby having coffee with me this afternoon. Very happy boy!

My life is going to be busy. It starts at 6am (unless he wakes early!) and Toby goes to bed at 830pm. Between those hours I really don't stop! Once he is in bed I have chores to do, lunches to make and then try and get some early nights! Doubt that'll happen! I really want to try and keep the weekends free so that we have quality time as a family. Even if I just sit and play with Toby all day, just give him a couple of days without me having to do heaps of other things.

One thing that is making it a little easier is that I have found a fantastic daycare for him. The director is lovely, the staff members are lovely and its got a great vibe. Anyone in my area looking for a daycare let me know! I cannot recommend them highly enough. What is also great is that Jay was able to move his shifts around so he can look after Toby every morning. Its all worked out really well. Hopefully Toby will have settled down in a couple of weeks and he can start to enjoy playing with the other kids.

I knew going back to work was going to be hard, but I didn't realise how hard. But no matter what my son is constantly on my mind and thoughts. I love him and miss him more than any words could express.

Milestones

I never thought I would be so obsessed with this one word; 'Milestones'. While pregnant and since Toby was born I have been worried about his development. Worried about a disability, particularly Autism since it is in my family. Since Toby was born I have been obsessed by these milestones, the skills the medical fraternity expects your child to be doing at each age. Every time Toby turns another month older, I check what he should be doing tick off the list. He has been pretty good, he has met most of the milestones.

He is due for his 8 month check up soon so I had a look in my green medical records folder to see what he should be doing and I read this: "speak to the maternal health nurse if your baby is not yet rolling over" Ok, I started stressing, Toby hasn't really been rolling over, eeeek! Another milestone he hasn't quite reached is the babbling and saying mummm mummm mummm and dadda dad dada. I have seen other babies his age doing this but not my boy.

Over the past couple of weeks these two factors have been playing on my mind. I really wasn't prepared for the constant worry and concern you have when you have a child! To try and help Toby along I put him on his tummy a lot more and I am constantly saying "mum mum mum dad dad dad" to him. As of yesterday he has been rolling, I can't keep him on his tummy any more and he has rolled from back to tummy a couple of times when I wasn't looking. He doesn't really like it on his tummy so I understand why he doesn't roll that way much. Then today, I heard the sweetest sound coming from Toby, he was saying dad dad dad. I would have preferred it to be mum mum but hey, I'll take it! Here a video taken while we were out today:

He was very tired, hence the whinging!

Now I don't know if he has suddenly started reaching these milestones because of what I have done, or if he was just ready. The professionals have their checklist of what babies should be doing but they don't take the individual personalities into consideration. Toby is quiet, he is not a loud baby or one that babbles all day, so maybe he will be a bit slower in reaching these talking milestones. Toby is a big baby and honestly, he can't be bothered doing anything he doesn't have to (just like his daddy!) so maybe thats why he is late in rolling.

I know the maternal health nurses serve a great purpose and I appreciate that they have to tell us the hard stuff at times (like when Toby wasn't gaining enough weight!). I don't really know where the line is between being told your child is behind and telling the mum that all babies are different and he/she will reach these milestones when they are ready, it's a tough one. I just wish they wouldn't freak new mums out so much. I know many of my friends have been unnecessarily worried about their baby because of a maternal health nurse.

So to all the mums out there worried about milestones, I hear ya! I hope all our babies get there when they are good and ready and not when the green book says they should be!!

Daycare

I have to go back to work, full time.

Before I had a child I always knew I would never be a full time, stay at home mum. I always imagined that I would be at home for a year or so and then I would be going back to work. Everyone told me I would feel different when I had a baby, I didn't really believe them. Now I have Toby, I adore him he has my heart in his palm. Since Toby was born I have only been away from him for 10 or so hours, not much at all. I love being with him, I love that he loves being with me.

How on earth am I going to go back to work and leave him??

This question has been running around in my head for months. It has kept me awake at night and caused many tears. Several months ago I went and looked at some daycare centres, hoping that there would be a very long waiting list and I would have to take more time off!! There wasn't, pretty much every centre we went to had available places in their baby rooms. I found a centre I liked. Well I didn't think any was good enough for my son, who can care for him better than me? No one. I couldn't bury my head in the sand, I put his name down.

Jay needed to reorganise his work timetable. He was moved to the afternoon shift so he could look after Toby in the morning. Toby would only be in daycare for 5 hours a day and be sleeping for 2 of those hours. I was ok with that, it wasn't too long and I am glad Toby and his dad get to spend time together. It still doesn't help me, I am still going to be away from him for 9 hours a day. I miss him when he goes to bed, how am I going to cope? The daycare centre phone number will be in my speed dial, thats for sure!

I have to constantly remind myself of the positives. Toby will get to socialise with other children, he will be fed and cared for. He will be ok. I also need to keep reminding myself of the bigger picture, we are doing this for our family. Every mum has to do what is best for her family and this is what is best for mine.

All week we have been going in for orientation. I am determined to make Toby really comfortable with the carers and the room. Here he is today, outside watching the other kids run around!

For those mums who are thinking that I am doing the wrong thing, or that I shouldn't have had kids if I was just going to put him into daycare. My heart is breaking enough as it is, your judgements don't help but your support will. We are all just doing our best!

To those mum who have to go back to work, I know how you are feeling, be strong xx

Feeding Drama's

While I was pregnant I always planned on breast feeding. I wasn't really comfortable with it but I know it is good for my baby, so I will do it. When we left hospital my milk had come in and Toby was feeding well. Everyone was happy with how it was going. Toby was weighed before leaving hospital and he had almost regained his birth weight.

At Toby's 6 week check up the Maternal Child and Health Nurse was not happy with his weight gain. Pam suggested that I put Toby on formula top ups. I walked out of that appointment feeling like an absolute failure and tears streaming down my face. I was going to go against the advice and express extra milk between feeds and top up with breast milk rather than formula. I really did not want to introduce formula, I had heard it can cause serious problems with breast feeding.

During this time I was pretty down and exhausted. It was probably the darkest time of my motherhood so far. Toby was feeding 2.5-3 hourly. He would breast feed from 1 hour - 1.5 hours, then he would play for a bit and then I had to get him down for his sleep. Once he was asleep I would express whatever milk I could and then I would have around 15/20 minutes to eat, shower, sleep etc. I was drained, emotionally because I felt like a failure and physically because of the added stress of expressing between feeds. In between all this I was desperately trying to increase my supply. I made lactation cookies, drank lots of water, ate regularly and properly.

2 Weeks later Toby had to get weighed again. He had put on weight but not enough, only 280 grams in 2 weeks. I was still determined to get his weight up without introducing formula. I now had to get Toby weighed weekly. It felt like the biggest loser but with the opposite goal!! He was skinny but because I saw him every day I didn't realise how skinny. Looking back on the photos now I can see he was skin and bones. I struggle to look at the photos.

The following week he got weighed again, he had only put on 60 grams in 5 days. This was when I gave up, my son needed food. I wasn't able to sustain him fully with breast feeding alone. It took a little bit to get him to accept formula but not too long. I gave him top ups after every feed. Here he is taking his first formula top up:

At the next weekly weight in he put on 500grams in one week, such relief. Finally he was gaining weight. To this day I still give him top ups, I am too scared not too.

He is a very healthy happy baby, at his 4 month check up everything was perfect. I cannot begin to tell you my relief! Even though I didn't want to introduce formula I am so glad I did. I am very thankful that I live in a time where formula is available.

I am very pro breastfeed but what is more important is that your baby is fed. No mum should every feel guilty, we are all just doing the best we can for our babies.

Motherhood.

All through my pregnancy I found it really hard to believe I was actually going to be a mum. I knew there was a baby on the way, I knew he was inside of me but to actually believe he was mine, I couldn't! After Toby was born I just stared at him, really stared at him. This little human was really mine... I am a mum.

Leaving the hospital was so exciting. We walked out with our new little bub in my arms, people looking at us with little smiles. It was a lovely moment, Toby just slept contently in my arms. Jay and I felt proud, proud of our little boy and very happy for people to see him. We eventually got him into the car seat, after a phone call to my brother because we couldn't work out how to make the straps longer!! He looked so tiny and cute and I worried about his head. I think we all worry about their heads!  He slept all the way home.

I get home and look at Toby... what do I do now? During the stay at the hospital I soaked up all the advice and support given to me. As helpful as it was it also lead to confusion as each midwife had differing opinions! As well as listening to the midwives I also read a lot of information on motherhood and newborns online. Google is great but it can also be our enemy. All this information caused me to second guess everything I did. Was he feeding ok? Is he putting on enough weight? Has he had enough wet/dirty nappies? Is his poo the right colour and consistency? OMG he can poop eight times in one day? What creams do I use? Is that a rash? Is he sleeping too much? Is he not sleeping enough? Do I wrap him? What on earth do I dress him in? He is too hot? Is he too cold? Does he have a cold? Do I let him cry? Do I hold him too much? Do I rock him to sleep? Why doesn't he self settle? OMG why does he have snot? Why won't he stop crying? His head is hot, does he have a temperature? Is he meeting his milestones? Is it normal for them to fart this much? Can he sleep on his side? Is he sick again? He slept for 3 hours... IS HE STILL BREATHING? My brain was so full of questions, second guessing every little thing I was doing, scared I was doing everything wrong. I found myself anxious and I constantly needed reassurance that everything was ok.

Before Toby, before being a mum, I was a confident woman who knew what she was doing. Well, most of the time anyway. Now I am responsible for this little life I thought I had no idea, turns out I did. It is this little thing called "mothers instinct". This is not learnt by reading information, it is in built in every single mother in this world. After several weeks of being a mother I realised this was the best voice to listen too. I still read and education myself on different parenting topics but at the end of the day, I listen to my instincts. I still have some anxiety, I don't think this will ever leave me.

 

I look at him, so pure and perfect in every way. I have discovered a love that I had never felt before and is not like any other. It's like I have been missing a part of my heart, I didn't know it was missing until Toby came along and filled that hole. I love being his mum but it also scares me. I only want the best for him, I want him to be the best he can be and most of all I want him to be happy. I am scared of being a bad mum, scared that I am going to fail him. Sadly, I know I am not going to be perfect at this job, who is? I am going to give it my best and hope that that will be enough. Maybe this is a burden that all mum's carry with them. I have no idea what the years will bring, I hope and pray good things. I know at the moment my son does not see my faults he just sees his mum, who he loves unconditionally. I cherish these moments.

I have started the journey, the journey of motherhood.  From my limited experience (3 months) it is a rather bumpy journey, with highs, lows, sleep depravation, poo, vomit, wee, dribble, tears, laughter, joy, frustration and every other emotion possible! Is it worth it? Every time my baby smiles at me, I know it is all worth it.

The Hospital Stay

After we were taken to the ward and Jay had left I just sat and stared at Toby. Taking in all of his features and the little faces he was pulling. I knew I should sleep but I needed some time to take in everything that had happened and my new son.

I finally drifted off to sleep at around 1am, only to be woken suddenly by Toby choking on something. I absolutely freaked out (I was totally amazed how quick I could move considering how sore I was!!), called for help and turned Toby on his side. He was bringing up "stuff", I assumed it is amniotic fluid! Why did no one tell me this?? It scared the life out of me!! Once he had settled down I climbed back into bed, just falling asleep and I hear a voice at my curtain. It was the paediatrician wanting to check on Toby so up I got again! She finished and both Toby and I settled back to sleep, I had just drifted off and there was another voice at the curtain. Due to the labour complications I needed to be on intravenous antibiotics for a couple of days, the midwife needed to hook me up to the drip. The only spot suitable was in the inside of my elbow, not a convenient place to put a needle when trying to learn how to feed a newborn! By time she was finished it was around 5 am, Toby was waking for a feed!! No sleep for me, alas.

Due to the vacuum delivery poor little Toby had a haematoma on his head, it was very sore. If anyone touched him there he would scream. Between the drip and me worrying about hurting him the feeding wasn't going to well. By the end of Toby's first day he was starting to show signs of jaundice. Due to the jaundice he was very sleepy all the time, I was told to wake him up every three hours and try and feed him. The problem was, he was too sleepy to feed. I had to have a wet washer handy and every time he fell asleep while feeding I used the wet washer to wake him up. It was all a bit of a mess. I did my best to feed him as much as I could but the jaundice just got worse. When there was a change in staff my new midwife worked with me all through the night to try and get my milk in as this would help Toby get better. Another sleepless night but it was worth it because the next morning my milk had arrived.

I was now going on to 36 hours with minimal sleep, maybe two hour blocks at the most. I was pretty tired. I thought I would be going home today, I was looking forward to taking my baby home. The doctors wanted to check the bilirubin levels in Toby. I remember them taking Toby's blood, every other day he had been fine but today he screamed the house down, broke my heart. His poor little feet were covered in marks where he had blood taken. Here is one of his little feet, the other one looked the same.

We were all hoping the levels of bilirubin had gone down but sadly they hadn't, they were now at a level that required photo therapy. Instead of going home I had to pack up my belongings and move to a private room. The midwife organised the photo therapy and late morning Toby started the therapy.

He hated it. As they were trying to place him in he screamed and fought the whole way. I was trying to comfort him but nothing would. I couldn't hold him, I am sure he just wanted his mum but he needed to therapy. The tears started falling down my cheeks, my baby was crying for me and I couldn't comfort him how he needed me too. I felt helpless and as though I was failing to mother him how he needed me too. The poor midwife had a distraught baby and a distraught mum! After three days of very little sleep I had no energy to deal with the emotions. Looks like he is getting a sun tan!

 
Toby was only allowed out for his 3 hourly feeds. After the lunch feed the midwife was putting him back in and she noticed his breathing wasn't right so she said she was going to call the paediatrician to come and see him. This made me cry even more!! I thought it was something similar to what was wrong with him when he was born. They took some more blood tests and sent them away. A couple of hours later the paediatrician came back to tell me the results, he had an infection. I was actually relieved that it wasn't his breathing because you can treat an infection. They didn't know what the infection was but had sent his blood away to see if they could identify it. In the meantime Toby was re-admitted into the special care nursery and a drip inserted so they could administer the antibiotics. I was still crying!!

I had to leave him in the special care nursery and return to my room on the ward. I hated not having him in the same room. The midwives were still really worried about me so they helped me express enough milk for Toby's 4 am feed so I could get some sleep. I slept for 4 hours, which is the most I had managed in 4 nights! Amazingly, I woke up somewhat refreshed and a bit more composed. At 6 am I went around to the special care nursery and fed Toby, he was looking good. Not so orange!! I was there for the doctors rounds and the latest results for Toby had come in and the jaundice was now are a reasonable level. He no longer needed to be under the photo therapy. The other good news was that I could take him back to my room and I would take him back to the special care nursery just for his antibiotics. I was so happy to have him back, I don't think I let him go all day. Here he is, my brave little boy!

After he was first born he was so quiet and slept so well. I thought I had just given birth to the perfect baby!! Turns out he was just sick and once he received the medication required he started getting a lot more vocal. Honestly, I couldn't have been happier! Toby was on antibiotics from Tuesday afternoon till Thursday night. On Thursday night we were told that the infection could not be identified but they think he contracted it because of the long labour. It was good news though, if it was identified as something serious we would  have been in hospital for longer. After his last dose of antibiotics Toby was discharge from the special care nursery and on Friday morning we were both discharged from the ward. We had this photo taken on the Friday morning:

Exactly a week after we arrived at the hospital to be induced we were discharged.We could finally take our boy home!

Reflecting on this time I have so much to be thankful for. I was given a private room for most of my stay, just what I needed! I was allowed to stay with Toby for the whole time, often mums who have babies in the special care nursery are sent home and have to travel to the hospital to feed. But the biggest thing I am thankful for is the jaundice, if it wasn't for the need of photo therapy I doubt the infection would have been picked up till much later. Then Toby would have had to been admitted back into hospital. I also have the staff at Sunshine Hospital to thank, their care and attention was fantastic. As hard as it all was I truly believe we were being watched over and looked after, which I am grateful for.


 

Birth Story

During my pregnancy I had written out a birthing plan, all about what I wanted and what I didn't want throughout my labour and birth. My desire was a natural, drug free labour. Sadly this did not happen because my baby did not want to leave his safe and cosy womb! I tried EVERY single wives tale to try and start labour naturally, except drinking castor oil, nothing worked. I ate so much pineapple my tongue was prickly, I walked, walked, walked, I stayed active and kept myself busy and did other things I choose not to mention on this blog!!! I was really sad that I did not go into labour naturally, I really wanted the whole waters breaking in the middle of the night, the mad car ride to the hospital etc. It wasn't to be, this baby was in no hurry to join us. On the 14th of December Jay and I made our way to the hospital for an induction, I was 41 weeks and 5 days. I had heard good stories and bad stories about inductions, I went in feeling very optimistic. I expected to be holding my baby that day. As I learnt, this is one thing in life I cannot control!!! Here is the breakdown of the period from the start of the induction till the birth of my precious boy!

14th December, 2012:
730am - Time to leave home to go into hospital. It was so surreal walking out of the house knowing that when Jay and I returned we would be a family of three. I was feeling scared but also very excited. I had never had a baby before, I really had no idea what was ahead of me. Well I had watched lots of the SBS show "One Born Every Minute" and I have seen my sister in law in labour so I had an idea of what was coming. I now know nothing can prepare you!

9:00am - We had made it to the hospital, settled into our room at the Pregnancy Day Stay Unit (PDSU). I had my first of many examinations and it wasn't really good news, there were no signs of labour. As I was so overdue there was no choice but to go ahead with the induction. At 930 the Prostin Gel was inserted, we were on our way. I remember being so excited!

10:30am - After an hour of monitoring I was allowed to get out of bed. I was so determined to get this labour into full swing and the best way of doing that was walking. Jay and I set off on a walk around the hospital, it was a rainy day but I thought it would still be nice to walk outside a bit. I had planned out a nice little route, it was a circle half inside and half outside. During our first lap, not longer after we were outside I slipped on the wet concrete, broke my thong and fell on my bum!! Jay freaked out, I was incredibly embarrassed but managed to laugh it off (secretly hoping it broke my waters!). We decided we best go back to the PDSU to make sure the baby was ok, so in a walked with one thong on and the other in my hand. It must have looked funny to all those who saw me. We got back to the room and both the baby and I were fine, except for my ego! We decided not to go outside after that so I just walked laps of our little room.

1:00pm - Around this time I started getting little contractions, they weren't incredibly painful, just annoying. They were coming every 2 minutes, I thought this was a good sign! I just kept on walking...

5:00pm - The PDSU was closing up for the day so I was transferred to the birthing suite. The contractions were still every 2 minutes but lasting only 30 seconds each. The pain was getting more intense but it still wasn't too bad, I just kept walking!! They couldn't insert any more Prostin Gel because I was getting so many contractions. I continued walking laps around the room!!

9:00pm - The contractions were still every 2 minutes and lasting around 40 seconds, they weren't lasting long enough to progress the labour. The pain had gotten worse, still not unbearable but had intensified enough that I had to stop walking when I got one. I guess they weren't too bad as I still had my sense of humour!! My brother dropped in to deliver Jay some dinner, while he was in there a new midwife came in to introduce herself to me. She stopped halfway through and looked at Jay and Will and said "I just need to clarify, who is the father", I responded very quickly "I am not sure..."! The look on her face was priceless!

15th December, 2012
12:30am - I was now all gowned up and had a drip inserted. The contractions had increased in pain but not really in their length or frequency. It was time for another examination, somewhere in my brain I was really hoping I progressed a lot but I knew deep down not much had happened. I was only 1-2 cm dilated, so deflating! A decision was made to try and break my waters, it took the midwife a couple of goes but she managed to do it. The water gushed out, it really was very gross!!! They also inserted a clip onto the baby's head to monitor his heart beat. As the midwife was trying to attach the clip Toby was shaking his head back and forth in protest! Cheeky boy, the midwife told us that she had never felt that before! From here the pain intensified some more but I still had the same problem, the contractions were not lasting long enough.

2:00am - After having a discussion with the midwife we decided to start the drip. I was hoping to avoid the drip as I had been told it causes really intense contractions. At this stage I just wanted the baby out! The drip went in and boy did the pain intensify!! Every time a contraction hit I would tense up, hold my breath and try to put myself into another place. It was so so painful, pain I had never felt before.

3:00am - It was still hurting! I was still getting 5 contractions every 10 minutes however they had lengthened slightly. The midwife offered me the gas and air, I took it. It didn't really help with the pain, it just made my head dizzy!! It did help me breathe properly while I was contracting. The midwife told me that I need to stop tensing up through the contraction as it would slow down the progress. How do you not tense up when your body is in so much pain? I tried but I don't think I succeeded. The gas and air made me sick, I vomited a couple of times. It also made me feel drugged, the room was spinning! I don't remember too much during this time. I do remember asking the midwife to marry me!! I was also falling asleep between contractions, the pain always very rudely woke me up from my much needed sleep.

8:00am - 24 hours after the induction began, still no baby. I was getting examined again, we were all hoping that at this examination we would be told it I was fully dilated and it was time to push. Wasn't to be, I was only 3-4 cms dilated. I couldn't believe it, all these hours of pain for a couple of centimetres. It was here I had to make a decision, I was at least another 6 - 8 hours away from being fully dilated (based on 1 cm / hour). I was exhausted after being awake for 24 hours, it was at this point I asked for the epidural. If I hadn't I am pretty sure I would have ended up having a c - section. After I told the midwife that I wanted one she told me it was going to be an hour away. It was at this point that I burst into tears, they were going to make me wait another hour!!!!

9:00am - Epidural time. Getting the needles in my back was not as bad as I thought it would be. The worst part was dealing with the contractions and not being able to move while they inserted the needles. Once the epidural was in the relief was AMAZING. It was only a partial epidural, I could still feel some pain on one side but compared to what it was, I was in heaven. This allowed both Jay and I to cat nap and build up the strength to push this baby out. The epidural also allowed the doctors to increase the drip which caused the contractions to intensify so that I would dilate. I was getting a bit down at this point because it was taking so long, the midwives set me straight. I had gone from absolutely no sign of labour to now being in established labour, apparently it was all going well!

3:30pm - As I was induced I was monitored around the clock, I always had a midwife beside me. Every half an hour my blood pressure was taken and I was checked over to make sure all was ok. The baby's heart beat was constantly going in the back ground, it was a reassuring sound. The fourth shift changed had just occurred so I was with my new midwife, Jenny. She was lovely, we had spent around half an hour talking and getting to know each other. We were mid conversation when I looked at her, wide eyed and said "I feel something". At that point I had no idea what I was feeling but I soon found out it was the baby's head, it had moved all the way down ready to enter the world. She hurried off to find the doctor!

4:00pm - The doctor waltzed into the room and we are all on the edge of our seats, well I was on the bed unable to move my legs but you know what I mean!! The doctor wanted to ask a favour of me, I was intrigued! As I had an epidural and couldn't feel a thing he wanted to know if he could teach his resident a few things. So he would examine me, not say a thing and then let the resident examine me. This would let the doctor know if the resident correctly assessing me. I asked him if he would pay me for it, or if I was 10cms dilated he could do it for free!! So the doctor examined me, with a straight face. I was searching his face for any clue as to what happening but he gave nothing away. The resident then examined me, he didn't say anything. The doctor kept asking how many cm's dilated I was, but there was no answer. This felt like it was going on for AGES!! The doctor then looked at me and said, he can't feel anything because you are fully dilated!!! YAY! We all cheered. The doctors then left and let me start the pushing.

5:00pm - I had been pushing for an hour, he still wasn't out. Another midwife came into the room and started discussing an episiotomy, forceps and vacuum delivery's with me. He said the baby is big, I have never done this before so I am probably going to need some help. That is like waving a red flag in front of a bull! I did not want to be cut and I really didn't want forceps. While pushing the midwives and doctors were discussing whether or not the baby had hair, I didn't want a bald baby!! It was hard work! By this stage the epidural had worn off enough so that I could feel the contractions and urge to push, which helped.

6:50pm - Almost three hours of pushing and we were near the end, I was so tired. I look over at Jay and he is on his phone... sending a text! I made it pretty clear he needs to get OFF his phone and concentrate! His reply, "but its John"!!! I told him I didn't really care who it was we were about to have a baby so he needs to get off his phone!! Half of the head was out when the baby started going into distress, they had to get him out. The doctor used the vacuum and just pulled the baby out during the next contraction. He plopped the baby on my tummy and said to me "well, here's your toddler". They then all started speculating his weight. Before he was born I had asked for the cord cutting to be delayed, unless there was something wrong and the baby needed help. As soon as Toby was born they got Jay to cut the cord. As they were doing that I realised there was something wrong. They took Toby off my tummy straight away and took him to a little bed in the room where they were working on him. He wasn't breathing properly, I am so thankful there were two doctors and a paediatrician in the room. Here he is:

All this time all I could do was just watch and kept asking if he was ok. Everyone assured me he was fine but the worry I felt at the moment is like none I had ever felt before.

After around 5 minutes they told me that they needed to take him to the special care nursery. They let me hold him for around 30 seconds before they took him. I hadn't realised Jay captured this moment until around 2 weeks ago. Here it is:

Letting go of Toby was hard, I didn't want him out of my sight. Jay went with him to the special care nursery. It was a this point I started haemorrhaging and other things happened that I won't write in this blog!! The whole time only one thing was on my mind, my son. He was upstairs having a hard time, they had to take his blood but instead of getting the vein they hit his artery. My poor boy! During all this I was just lying in the room, all the doctors left and I was just there. I started getting really emotional, I just wanted my baby. After what seems like forever, Jay and Toby finally returned. I could finally hold my baby. Sadly he was really distressed, he had been through a lot for someone who had only entered the world 50 minutes ago. Eventually he settled down, here he is an hour old:

Toby was 4.554 kg's (10 pound), 55cm's long and had a head circumference of 38cm's. My big boy!

10:00pm - Due to the complications I had after birth I was kept in the birthing suite for a bit longer than normal. It was at this time I was allowed up to shower, it was the best shower I had ever had!! We were finally allowed onto the ward at midnight.

Around 40 hours after the induction commenced I was finally on the ward with my baby. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. All I could do was stare at my boy in amazement and wonder and thank God that we were both ok.

It was then I decided that I never want to do that ever again. And before you say it, I will never forget the pain!!! 

I'm pregnant!

After my miscarriage in November of 2011 I was desperate to be pregnant again. This desire consumed me but the thought of being pregnant scared me as well. I found out I was pregnant on the 20th of March, 2012. The tests these days leave no doubt:

Seeing the word pregnant filled my heart with so much joy. I was pregnant again! Instantly I was filled with fear that this pregnancy would end in a miscarriage. I didn't know if my body was able to carry a pregnancy to term.

7 Weeks: Everything had been travelling along well. I wasn't as sick this time as I was with my first pregnancy. I did not vomit, I just felt sick all of the time and went off a lot of food. I couldn't eat lamb throughout my entire pregnancy!! My husband, Jay was also suffering from morning sickness... apparently. He would complain of the sick feeling a lot too. I didn't give him much sympathy!!! My sickness was real, his was in his head.

At 7 weeks and 5 days I had a bleed, instantly I thought I was miscarrying again. Jay and I went into the hospital, it was late in the night and there was not much they could do for us except measure the pregnancy hormone (HCG) in my blood. The results came back at an acceptable level which gave us some hope. The hospital booked me in for a scan the next day, that is the only way to know for sure if the pregnancy was viable. I think I had the worst sleep ever that night, even though I was at peace I was still worried, my last pregnancy ended at 7 weeks. When we woke up Jay rolled over, looked at me and said "the baby is ok", I looked at him with a confused look and asked him how he knew this, he replied with a twinkle in his eye "I still have my morning sickness". Made me smile!!

Thankfully my scan was booked in for the morning, I didn't have to wait all day. As soon as I saw the baby I knew everything was ok, he was the perfect size and I could see his heart beat. Tears of relief fell down my cheeks. Here he is:

My brother gave him the nick name of "turtle" because of this picture!

11 weeks: At this stage in pregnancy most women go for their "NT" scan. This is the scan that tests to see if your baby has indicators of Down Syndrome. Jay and I discussed this and we both decided to not get the tests or scan. However at 11 weeks I began to worry about the pregnancy. My last pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. The baby's heart stopped beating at 7 weeks however I did not start bleeding till 9 weeks. I was worried that this would happen again so I went to my doctor and said I needed a scan to check everything was ok!! We just went for the scan but didn't do the rest of the testing. Here he is at just over 11 weeks:

Everything was perfect, there was no reason for me to worry.

20 Weeks: My pregnancy was turning out to be a dream pregnancy. I was healthy and so was the baby. We went into the 20 week scan full of excitement! Here he is at 20 weeks:

He was perfect, every part of him was perfect. Seeing him move around in there filled my heart with such joy. He was stubborn though, he would not comply with getting a picture of his face profile (the one above), it took two people and around 10 minutes to get this one shot!! It was at this stage we had an idea we were having a boy. We did not want to know the sex, however, during this scan they checked the baby had all the right "bits".The sonographer did not tell us what she saw however she wrote "XY", meaning boy. I thought I saw boy bits as well!! It was also at this point that we were told we were having a big baby, he was measuring two weeks ahead. This was the week that I started feeling him kick me, which was an amazing feeling! There was really a baby in there!!

35 Weeks: The pregnancy went so fast. I was still busy with work and study so time just flew. We had another scan at 35 weeks to see how the baby was growing. The scan was very clinical, just measuring so there was no photo! All was well, he was using his lungs, stomach and kidneys. He was still big, they estimated he was around 3kgs (7pound) already, I had another 5 weeks to go!! He was still measuring two weeks ahead.

37 Weeks: I finished work this week. It was a sad day, it was so weird to think I wouldn't be going back to work for months. I really hoped I would have the baby not long after leaving work. Shame the baby didn't get that memo...

40 Weeks: I was still pregnant. I had to go into the hospital for an appointment at the post dates clinic. They scanned me again to make sure everything was ok with the baby and checked me over. We were both perfect so there was no hurry to induce me! It was at this appointment that they gave away the sex of the baby, again!! As she was scanning me the midwife said "well it is still a boy", I informed her that I didn't know that which made for quick subject change!! It was a boy, I was having a son. I was then booked into be induced. I really hoped I would go into labour naturally, I tried everything!! At 41 weeks and 5 days I went into hospital to be induced.  

I am incredibly thankful that I had a great pregnancy, my health was great (I didn't even get any swelling!!) and the baby thrived. I do not take this for granted, I am so blessed.

Now, time to get him out!!!