Daycare

I have to go back to work, full time.

Before I had a child I always knew I would never be a full time, stay at home mum. I always imagined that I would be at home for a year or so and then I would be going back to work. Everyone told me I would feel different when I had a baby, I didn't really believe them. Now I have Toby, I adore him he has my heart in his palm. Since Toby was born I have only been away from him for 10 or so hours, not much at all. I love being with him, I love that he loves being with me.

How on earth am I going to go back to work and leave him??

This question has been running around in my head for months. It has kept me awake at night and caused many tears. Several months ago I went and looked at some daycare centres, hoping that there would be a very long waiting list and I would have to take more time off!! There wasn't, pretty much every centre we went to had available places in their baby rooms. I found a centre I liked. Well I didn't think any was good enough for my son, who can care for him better than me? No one. I couldn't bury my head in the sand, I put his name down.

Jay needed to reorganise his work timetable. He was moved to the afternoon shift so he could look after Toby in the morning. Toby would only be in daycare for 5 hours a day and be sleeping for 2 of those hours. I was ok with that, it wasn't too long and I am glad Toby and his dad get to spend time together. It still doesn't help me, I am still going to be away from him for 9 hours a day. I miss him when he goes to bed, how am I going to cope? The daycare centre phone number will be in my speed dial, thats for sure!

I have to constantly remind myself of the positives. Toby will get to socialise with other children, he will be fed and cared for. He will be ok. I also need to keep reminding myself of the bigger picture, we are doing this for our family. Every mum has to do what is best for her family and this is what is best for mine.

All week we have been going in for orientation. I am determined to make Toby really comfortable with the carers and the room. Here he is today, outside watching the other kids run around!

For those mums who are thinking that I am doing the wrong thing, or that I shouldn't have had kids if I was just going to put him into daycare. My heart is breaking enough as it is, your judgements don't help but your support will. We are all just doing our best!

To those mum who have to go back to work, I know how you are feeling, be strong xx

Feeding Drama's

While I was pregnant I always planned on breast feeding. I wasn't really comfortable with it but I know it is good for my baby, so I will do it. When we left hospital my milk had come in and Toby was feeding well. Everyone was happy with how it was going. Toby was weighed before leaving hospital and he had almost regained his birth weight.

At Toby's 6 week check up the Maternal Child and Health Nurse was not happy with his weight gain. Pam suggested that I put Toby on formula top ups. I walked out of that appointment feeling like an absolute failure and tears streaming down my face. I was going to go against the advice and express extra milk between feeds and top up with breast milk rather than formula. I really did not want to introduce formula, I had heard it can cause serious problems with breast feeding.

During this time I was pretty down and exhausted. It was probably the darkest time of my motherhood so far. Toby was feeding 2.5-3 hourly. He would breast feed from 1 hour - 1.5 hours, then he would play for a bit and then I had to get him down for his sleep. Once he was asleep I would express whatever milk I could and then I would have around 15/20 minutes to eat, shower, sleep etc. I was drained, emotionally because I felt like a failure and physically because of the added stress of expressing between feeds. In between all this I was desperately trying to increase my supply. I made lactation cookies, drank lots of water, ate regularly and properly.

2 Weeks later Toby had to get weighed again. He had put on weight but not enough, only 280 grams in 2 weeks. I was still determined to get his weight up without introducing formula. I now had to get Toby weighed weekly. It felt like the biggest loser but with the opposite goal!! He was skinny but because I saw him every day I didn't realise how skinny. Looking back on the photos now I can see he was skin and bones. I struggle to look at the photos.

The following week he got weighed again, he had only put on 60 grams in 5 days. This was when I gave up, my son needed food. I wasn't able to sustain him fully with breast feeding alone. It took a little bit to get him to accept formula but not too long. I gave him top ups after every feed. Here he is taking his first formula top up:

At the next weekly weight in he put on 500grams in one week, such relief. Finally he was gaining weight. To this day I still give him top ups, I am too scared not too.

He is a very healthy happy baby, at his 4 month check up everything was perfect. I cannot begin to tell you my relief! Even though I didn't want to introduce formula I am so glad I did. I am very thankful that I live in a time where formula is available.

I am very pro breastfeed but what is more important is that your baby is fed. No mum should every feel guilty, we are all just doing the best we can for our babies.