Motherhood.

All through my pregnancy I found it really hard to believe I was actually going to be a mum. I knew there was a baby on the way, I knew he was inside of me but to actually believe he was mine, I couldn't! After Toby was born I just stared at him, really stared at him. This little human was really mine... I am a mum.

Leaving the hospital was so exciting. We walked out with our new little bub in my arms, people looking at us with little smiles. It was a lovely moment, Toby just slept contently in my arms. Jay and I felt proud, proud of our little boy and very happy for people to see him. We eventually got him into the car seat, after a phone call to my brother because we couldn't work out how to make the straps longer!! He looked so tiny and cute and I worried about his head. I think we all worry about their heads!  He slept all the way home.

I get home and look at Toby... what do I do now? During the stay at the hospital I soaked up all the advice and support given to me. As helpful as it was it also lead to confusion as each midwife had differing opinions! As well as listening to the midwives I also read a lot of information on motherhood and newborns online. Google is great but it can also be our enemy. All this information caused me to second guess everything I did. Was he feeding ok? Is he putting on enough weight? Has he had enough wet/dirty nappies? Is his poo the right colour and consistency? OMG he can poop eight times in one day? What creams do I use? Is that a rash? Is he sleeping too much? Is he not sleeping enough? Do I wrap him? What on earth do I dress him in? He is too hot? Is he too cold? Does he have a cold? Do I let him cry? Do I hold him too much? Do I rock him to sleep? Why doesn't he self settle? OMG why does he have snot? Why won't he stop crying? His head is hot, does he have a temperature? Is he meeting his milestones? Is it normal for them to fart this much? Can he sleep on his side? Is he sick again? He slept for 3 hours... IS HE STILL BREATHING? My brain was so full of questions, second guessing every little thing I was doing, scared I was doing everything wrong. I found myself anxious and I constantly needed reassurance that everything was ok.

Before Toby, before being a mum, I was a confident woman who knew what she was doing. Well, most of the time anyway. Now I am responsible for this little life I thought I had no idea, turns out I did. It is this little thing called "mothers instinct". This is not learnt by reading information, it is in built in every single mother in this world. After several weeks of being a mother I realised this was the best voice to listen too. I still read and education myself on different parenting topics but at the end of the day, I listen to my instincts. I still have some anxiety, I don't think this will ever leave me.

 

I look at him, so pure and perfect in every way. I have discovered a love that I had never felt before and is not like any other. It's like I have been missing a part of my heart, I didn't know it was missing until Toby came along and filled that hole. I love being his mum but it also scares me. I only want the best for him, I want him to be the best he can be and most of all I want him to be happy. I am scared of being a bad mum, scared that I am going to fail him. Sadly, I know I am not going to be perfect at this job, who is? I am going to give it my best and hope that that will be enough. Maybe this is a burden that all mum's carry with them. I have no idea what the years will bring, I hope and pray good things. I know at the moment my son does not see my faults he just sees his mum, who he loves unconditionally. I cherish these moments.

I have started the journey, the journey of motherhood.  From my limited experience (3 months) it is a rather bumpy journey, with highs, lows, sleep depravation, poo, vomit, wee, dribble, tears, laughter, joy, frustration and every other emotion possible! Is it worth it? Every time my baby smiles at me, I know it is all worth it.

The Hospital Stay

After we were taken to the ward and Jay had left I just sat and stared at Toby. Taking in all of his features and the little faces he was pulling. I knew I should sleep but I needed some time to take in everything that had happened and my new son.

I finally drifted off to sleep at around 1am, only to be woken suddenly by Toby choking on something. I absolutely freaked out (I was totally amazed how quick I could move considering how sore I was!!), called for help and turned Toby on his side. He was bringing up "stuff", I assumed it is amniotic fluid! Why did no one tell me this?? It scared the life out of me!! Once he had settled down I climbed back into bed, just falling asleep and I hear a voice at my curtain. It was the paediatrician wanting to check on Toby so up I got again! She finished and both Toby and I settled back to sleep, I had just drifted off and there was another voice at the curtain. Due to the labour complications I needed to be on intravenous antibiotics for a couple of days, the midwife needed to hook me up to the drip. The only spot suitable was in the inside of my elbow, not a convenient place to put a needle when trying to learn how to feed a newborn! By time she was finished it was around 5 am, Toby was waking for a feed!! No sleep for me, alas.

Due to the vacuum delivery poor little Toby had a haematoma on his head, it was very sore. If anyone touched him there he would scream. Between the drip and me worrying about hurting him the feeding wasn't going to well. By the end of Toby's first day he was starting to show signs of jaundice. Due to the jaundice he was very sleepy all the time, I was told to wake him up every three hours and try and feed him. The problem was, he was too sleepy to feed. I had to have a wet washer handy and every time he fell asleep while feeding I used the wet washer to wake him up. It was all a bit of a mess. I did my best to feed him as much as I could but the jaundice just got worse. When there was a change in staff my new midwife worked with me all through the night to try and get my milk in as this would help Toby get better. Another sleepless night but it was worth it because the next morning my milk had arrived.

I was now going on to 36 hours with minimal sleep, maybe two hour blocks at the most. I was pretty tired. I thought I would be going home today, I was looking forward to taking my baby home. The doctors wanted to check the bilirubin levels in Toby. I remember them taking Toby's blood, every other day he had been fine but today he screamed the house down, broke my heart. His poor little feet were covered in marks where he had blood taken. Here is one of his little feet, the other one looked the same.

We were all hoping the levels of bilirubin had gone down but sadly they hadn't, they were now at a level that required photo therapy. Instead of going home I had to pack up my belongings and move to a private room. The midwife organised the photo therapy and late morning Toby started the therapy.

He hated it. As they were trying to place him in he screamed and fought the whole way. I was trying to comfort him but nothing would. I couldn't hold him, I am sure he just wanted his mum but he needed to therapy. The tears started falling down my cheeks, my baby was crying for me and I couldn't comfort him how he needed me too. I felt helpless and as though I was failing to mother him how he needed me too. The poor midwife had a distraught baby and a distraught mum! After three days of very little sleep I had no energy to deal with the emotions. Looks like he is getting a sun tan!

 
Toby was only allowed out for his 3 hourly feeds. After the lunch feed the midwife was putting him back in and she noticed his breathing wasn't right so she said she was going to call the paediatrician to come and see him. This made me cry even more!! I thought it was something similar to what was wrong with him when he was born. They took some more blood tests and sent them away. A couple of hours later the paediatrician came back to tell me the results, he had an infection. I was actually relieved that it wasn't his breathing because you can treat an infection. They didn't know what the infection was but had sent his blood away to see if they could identify it. In the meantime Toby was re-admitted into the special care nursery and a drip inserted so they could administer the antibiotics. I was still crying!!

I had to leave him in the special care nursery and return to my room on the ward. I hated not having him in the same room. The midwives were still really worried about me so they helped me express enough milk for Toby's 4 am feed so I could get some sleep. I slept for 4 hours, which is the most I had managed in 4 nights! Amazingly, I woke up somewhat refreshed and a bit more composed. At 6 am I went around to the special care nursery and fed Toby, he was looking good. Not so orange!! I was there for the doctors rounds and the latest results for Toby had come in and the jaundice was now are a reasonable level. He no longer needed to be under the photo therapy. The other good news was that I could take him back to my room and I would take him back to the special care nursery just for his antibiotics. I was so happy to have him back, I don't think I let him go all day. Here he is, my brave little boy!

After he was first born he was so quiet and slept so well. I thought I had just given birth to the perfect baby!! Turns out he was just sick and once he received the medication required he started getting a lot more vocal. Honestly, I couldn't have been happier! Toby was on antibiotics from Tuesday afternoon till Thursday night. On Thursday night we were told that the infection could not be identified but they think he contracted it because of the long labour. It was good news though, if it was identified as something serious we would  have been in hospital for longer. After his last dose of antibiotics Toby was discharge from the special care nursery and on Friday morning we were both discharged from the ward. We had this photo taken on the Friday morning:

Exactly a week after we arrived at the hospital to be induced we were discharged.We could finally take our boy home!

Reflecting on this time I have so much to be thankful for. I was given a private room for most of my stay, just what I needed! I was allowed to stay with Toby for the whole time, often mums who have babies in the special care nursery are sent home and have to travel to the hospital to feed. But the biggest thing I am thankful for is the jaundice, if it wasn't for the need of photo therapy I doubt the infection would have been picked up till much later. Then Toby would have had to been admitted back into hospital. I also have the staff at Sunshine Hospital to thank, their care and attention was fantastic. As hard as it all was I truly believe we were being watched over and looked after, which I am grateful for.


 

Birth Story

During my pregnancy I had written out a birthing plan, all about what I wanted and what I didn't want throughout my labour and birth. My desire was a natural, drug free labour. Sadly this did not happen because my baby did not want to leave his safe and cosy womb! I tried EVERY single wives tale to try and start labour naturally, except drinking castor oil, nothing worked. I ate so much pineapple my tongue was prickly, I walked, walked, walked, I stayed active and kept myself busy and did other things I choose not to mention on this blog!!! I was really sad that I did not go into labour naturally, I really wanted the whole waters breaking in the middle of the night, the mad car ride to the hospital etc. It wasn't to be, this baby was in no hurry to join us. On the 14th of December Jay and I made our way to the hospital for an induction, I was 41 weeks and 5 days. I had heard good stories and bad stories about inductions, I went in feeling very optimistic. I expected to be holding my baby that day. As I learnt, this is one thing in life I cannot control!!! Here is the breakdown of the period from the start of the induction till the birth of my precious boy!

14th December, 2012:
730am - Time to leave home to go into hospital. It was so surreal walking out of the house knowing that when Jay and I returned we would be a family of three. I was feeling scared but also very excited. I had never had a baby before, I really had no idea what was ahead of me. Well I had watched lots of the SBS show "One Born Every Minute" and I have seen my sister in law in labour so I had an idea of what was coming. I now know nothing can prepare you!

9:00am - We had made it to the hospital, settled into our room at the Pregnancy Day Stay Unit (PDSU). I had my first of many examinations and it wasn't really good news, there were no signs of labour. As I was so overdue there was no choice but to go ahead with the induction. At 930 the Prostin Gel was inserted, we were on our way. I remember being so excited!

10:30am - After an hour of monitoring I was allowed to get out of bed. I was so determined to get this labour into full swing and the best way of doing that was walking. Jay and I set off on a walk around the hospital, it was a rainy day but I thought it would still be nice to walk outside a bit. I had planned out a nice little route, it was a circle half inside and half outside. During our first lap, not longer after we were outside I slipped on the wet concrete, broke my thong and fell on my bum!! Jay freaked out, I was incredibly embarrassed but managed to laugh it off (secretly hoping it broke my waters!). We decided we best go back to the PDSU to make sure the baby was ok, so in a walked with one thong on and the other in my hand. It must have looked funny to all those who saw me. We got back to the room and both the baby and I were fine, except for my ego! We decided not to go outside after that so I just walked laps of our little room.

1:00pm - Around this time I started getting little contractions, they weren't incredibly painful, just annoying. They were coming every 2 minutes, I thought this was a good sign! I just kept on walking...

5:00pm - The PDSU was closing up for the day so I was transferred to the birthing suite. The contractions were still every 2 minutes but lasting only 30 seconds each. The pain was getting more intense but it still wasn't too bad, I just kept walking!! They couldn't insert any more Prostin Gel because I was getting so many contractions. I continued walking laps around the room!!

9:00pm - The contractions were still every 2 minutes and lasting around 40 seconds, they weren't lasting long enough to progress the labour. The pain had gotten worse, still not unbearable but had intensified enough that I had to stop walking when I got one. I guess they weren't too bad as I still had my sense of humour!! My brother dropped in to deliver Jay some dinner, while he was in there a new midwife came in to introduce herself to me. She stopped halfway through and looked at Jay and Will and said "I just need to clarify, who is the father", I responded very quickly "I am not sure..."! The look on her face was priceless!

15th December, 2012
12:30am - I was now all gowned up and had a drip inserted. The contractions had increased in pain but not really in their length or frequency. It was time for another examination, somewhere in my brain I was really hoping I progressed a lot but I knew deep down not much had happened. I was only 1-2 cm dilated, so deflating! A decision was made to try and break my waters, it took the midwife a couple of goes but she managed to do it. The water gushed out, it really was very gross!!! They also inserted a clip onto the baby's head to monitor his heart beat. As the midwife was trying to attach the clip Toby was shaking his head back and forth in protest! Cheeky boy, the midwife told us that she had never felt that before! From here the pain intensified some more but I still had the same problem, the contractions were not lasting long enough.

2:00am - After having a discussion with the midwife we decided to start the drip. I was hoping to avoid the drip as I had been told it causes really intense contractions. At this stage I just wanted the baby out! The drip went in and boy did the pain intensify!! Every time a contraction hit I would tense up, hold my breath and try to put myself into another place. It was so so painful, pain I had never felt before.

3:00am - It was still hurting! I was still getting 5 contractions every 10 minutes however they had lengthened slightly. The midwife offered me the gas and air, I took it. It didn't really help with the pain, it just made my head dizzy!! It did help me breathe properly while I was contracting. The midwife told me that I need to stop tensing up through the contraction as it would slow down the progress. How do you not tense up when your body is in so much pain? I tried but I don't think I succeeded. The gas and air made me sick, I vomited a couple of times. It also made me feel drugged, the room was spinning! I don't remember too much during this time. I do remember asking the midwife to marry me!! I was also falling asleep between contractions, the pain always very rudely woke me up from my much needed sleep.

8:00am - 24 hours after the induction began, still no baby. I was getting examined again, we were all hoping that at this examination we would be told it I was fully dilated and it was time to push. Wasn't to be, I was only 3-4 cms dilated. I couldn't believe it, all these hours of pain for a couple of centimetres. It was here I had to make a decision, I was at least another 6 - 8 hours away from being fully dilated (based on 1 cm / hour). I was exhausted after being awake for 24 hours, it was at this point I asked for the epidural. If I hadn't I am pretty sure I would have ended up having a c - section. After I told the midwife that I wanted one she told me it was going to be an hour away. It was at this point that I burst into tears, they were going to make me wait another hour!!!!

9:00am - Epidural time. Getting the needles in my back was not as bad as I thought it would be. The worst part was dealing with the contractions and not being able to move while they inserted the needles. Once the epidural was in the relief was AMAZING. It was only a partial epidural, I could still feel some pain on one side but compared to what it was, I was in heaven. This allowed both Jay and I to cat nap and build up the strength to push this baby out. The epidural also allowed the doctors to increase the drip which caused the contractions to intensify so that I would dilate. I was getting a bit down at this point because it was taking so long, the midwives set me straight. I had gone from absolutely no sign of labour to now being in established labour, apparently it was all going well!

3:30pm - As I was induced I was monitored around the clock, I always had a midwife beside me. Every half an hour my blood pressure was taken and I was checked over to make sure all was ok. The baby's heart beat was constantly going in the back ground, it was a reassuring sound. The fourth shift changed had just occurred so I was with my new midwife, Jenny. She was lovely, we had spent around half an hour talking and getting to know each other. We were mid conversation when I looked at her, wide eyed and said "I feel something". At that point I had no idea what I was feeling but I soon found out it was the baby's head, it had moved all the way down ready to enter the world. She hurried off to find the doctor!

4:00pm - The doctor waltzed into the room and we are all on the edge of our seats, well I was on the bed unable to move my legs but you know what I mean!! The doctor wanted to ask a favour of me, I was intrigued! As I had an epidural and couldn't feel a thing he wanted to know if he could teach his resident a few things. So he would examine me, not say a thing and then let the resident examine me. This would let the doctor know if the resident correctly assessing me. I asked him if he would pay me for it, or if I was 10cms dilated he could do it for free!! So the doctor examined me, with a straight face. I was searching his face for any clue as to what happening but he gave nothing away. The resident then examined me, he didn't say anything. The doctor kept asking how many cm's dilated I was, but there was no answer. This felt like it was going on for AGES!! The doctor then looked at me and said, he can't feel anything because you are fully dilated!!! YAY! We all cheered. The doctors then left and let me start the pushing.

5:00pm - I had been pushing for an hour, he still wasn't out. Another midwife came into the room and started discussing an episiotomy, forceps and vacuum delivery's with me. He said the baby is big, I have never done this before so I am probably going to need some help. That is like waving a red flag in front of a bull! I did not want to be cut and I really didn't want forceps. While pushing the midwives and doctors were discussing whether or not the baby had hair, I didn't want a bald baby!! It was hard work! By this stage the epidural had worn off enough so that I could feel the contractions and urge to push, which helped.

6:50pm - Almost three hours of pushing and we were near the end, I was so tired. I look over at Jay and he is on his phone... sending a text! I made it pretty clear he needs to get OFF his phone and concentrate! His reply, "but its John"!!! I told him I didn't really care who it was we were about to have a baby so he needs to get off his phone!! Half of the head was out when the baby started going into distress, they had to get him out. The doctor used the vacuum and just pulled the baby out during the next contraction. He plopped the baby on my tummy and said to me "well, here's your toddler". They then all started speculating his weight. Before he was born I had asked for the cord cutting to be delayed, unless there was something wrong and the baby needed help. As soon as Toby was born they got Jay to cut the cord. As they were doing that I realised there was something wrong. They took Toby off my tummy straight away and took him to a little bed in the room where they were working on him. He wasn't breathing properly, I am so thankful there were two doctors and a paediatrician in the room. Here he is:

All this time all I could do was just watch and kept asking if he was ok. Everyone assured me he was fine but the worry I felt at the moment is like none I had ever felt before.

After around 5 minutes they told me that they needed to take him to the special care nursery. They let me hold him for around 30 seconds before they took him. I hadn't realised Jay captured this moment until around 2 weeks ago. Here it is:

Letting go of Toby was hard, I didn't want him out of my sight. Jay went with him to the special care nursery. It was a this point I started haemorrhaging and other things happened that I won't write in this blog!! The whole time only one thing was on my mind, my son. He was upstairs having a hard time, they had to take his blood but instead of getting the vein they hit his artery. My poor boy! During all this I was just lying in the room, all the doctors left and I was just there. I started getting really emotional, I just wanted my baby. After what seems like forever, Jay and Toby finally returned. I could finally hold my baby. Sadly he was really distressed, he had been through a lot for someone who had only entered the world 50 minutes ago. Eventually he settled down, here he is an hour old:

Toby was 4.554 kg's (10 pound), 55cm's long and had a head circumference of 38cm's. My big boy!

10:00pm - Due to the complications I had after birth I was kept in the birthing suite for a bit longer than normal. It was at this time I was allowed up to shower, it was the best shower I had ever had!! We were finally allowed onto the ward at midnight.

Around 40 hours after the induction commenced I was finally on the ward with my baby. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. All I could do was stare at my boy in amazement and wonder and thank God that we were both ok.

It was then I decided that I never want to do that ever again. And before you say it, I will never forget the pain!!!