My little one

To My Little One,

As soon as I see the word 'pregnant' on the test I rub my tummy tenderly and say 'hello baby, I'm your mummy'. Such happiness and excitement fills my heart. I go show your dad, he smiles. Instantly we fall in love with you. I tell your brother about you, he is too young to really understand but I already know the two of you will be the best of friends.

The day goes on, we continue to live normally, however I'm different, I have you growing inside of me. Little do I know I'll never be the same again. I've found a part of my heart that I never knew existed. It's the part that was waiting for you.

As the day goes on I find myself smiling to myself. I can't believe I have you! I let myself day dream. I wonder if you're boy or girl. Oh imagine if you're a girl, you'll be the prettiest little thing! I go through girls names, quietly compiling a list in my head. But what if you're a boy! I wonder if you'll like sport like your dad. You'll be a Blues boy for sure! We can have family outings to the football. What fun we will have. I begin to imagine the mischief you would get into with your brother, my goodness, I will have my hands full, but I cannot wait.

As I lay in bed at night, I wonder what school you'll go to. Will you excel at school and then go to university. I wonder. Before that I best get prepared for you as a baby! What will I need to buy? Oh I wonder what your labour will be like? I really hope it is better than my first. I wonder if you'll look like your dad or me. I bet you'll have curly hair! I can't wait to meet you, see you and kiss you. I fall asleep thinking about you.

The next morning comes around, I get up to get ready for work. It doesn't take long for me to realise I'm losing you. No, no, no, no, please don't leave. I make a doctors appointment, the test comes back as positive, I am pregnant but both the doctor and I know you will never be placed in my arms.

No matter how much I will for you to stay, you can't. You're gone and you've taken a piece of my heart with you.

I love you little one, forever.

Your mummy xx

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about You, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"

You know you have a toddler in the house when...

1. The most asked question in your household is "Where is the remote control?"

2. You find random items in the toilet, to date we have found the following:
         - Full toilet rolls
         - The remote control (no wonder we couldn't find it!)
         - Jay's Samsung Galaxy

         - Empty toilet rolls (these were not noticed until after the deed was complete, poor Jay!)

3. Nearly every piece of furniture in the house becomes the best playground in town.

Standing on the coffee table looking extremely pleased with himself!

4. Showers suddenly become family events (including the cat) because your little one has become a pro at opening and closing the doors.

5. You find random lights on throughout the house. He is clever at turning them on, not so clever at turning them off.

It's fun but it takes some serious concentration!

6. Toy phones are not good enough so you are constantly wondering where your phone is (best to not leave the toddler alone with the phone, see point 2).

7. Cat food is entertaining.

The whole time he was saying "oh there..."

8. Your days are filled with joyous laughter, fun, adventures, new discoveries and endless love... 

Love being his mum! 

Embarrassing Mummy Moment!

For the first time in months Toby didn't get his afternoon nap. He was, how shall I put this... Ummmm, sensitive. If I said no, or took something off him there were tears, so many tears. Add to the no sleep, he is sick, poor love. 

I had to take him to the doctors. To try and make this a little smoother I bought him some yoghurt, like this one: 

He doesn't get them often, every time he has had them he's sat there, still and happy until he'd finished. I thought it'd be a nice treat and afternoon tea while waiting. 

Get to the doctors, pull the yoghurt out and he starts drinking. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself. Suddenly he went to leap out of my arms to the ground, oh no. I tried to persuade him to stay on my lap but no. There were kids playing in the corner and he was curious. I let him down. I couldn't stand the thought of the yoghurt packet touching the ground and then him putting it in his mouth. I went to grab the packet and of course he was not happy. 

To prevent me grabbing it and in his tantrum he furiously moved his arms around. As he is doing this yoghurt is flying EVERYWHERE. After what felt like forever I got the yoghurt off him. I could feel so many sets of eyes on me as I surveyed the damage. 

There was yoghurt all over the floor, like a beautiful work of art. That's ok, I can clean that. I look up, oh no... The guy opposite us had yoghurt on his jeans, on both legs. He would have been in his early 20's. I can honestly say the thought did cross my mind to not tell him!!! But I did. He was very nice, thankfully. 

I cleaned the mess up (with the help from the lovely staff), the doctor couldn't call my name quick enough!!! 

Note to self: 

1 - don't miss naps

2 - don't give him a yoghurt pouch at the doctors

Toby's First Year

Here is the first year of Toby's life in pictures. It's been such an amazing year. I love being this kids mum, it's such a joy. 

This photo was taken around 18 hours before Toby was born. It was around 15 hours after the induction begun. I was massive! The gown isn't the most flattering clothing piece either! 

Toby is born! 34 hours after the induction began. What a cutie. 

All hooked up to IV antibiotics for an unknown virus he contracted during the long labour, he was such a little trooper!

On our way home. He looks so tiny! 

Toby's first Christmas! Too much cuteness! 

4 weeks old and smiling at his Nanna. 

Two months old and formula was introduced due to feeding problems. I was incredibly sad this is exactly what he needed. 

He is around 3 months old here and becoming very aware of his surroundings and loves playing with his toys. 

4 months old and he is just cute! This is such a beautiful age. 

5 months old and we start solids. This is the only time I gave him rice cereal, as you can see he's not too excited! I moved to smashed pumpkin, sweet potato and then moved to finger foods quickly. 

6 months old! The only time he enjoyed a rusk, he never really got into them. At this stage he wasn't really rolling, he'd go tummy to back occasionally but mostly he'd just scream if I put him on his tummy!! 

7 months old and he's getting very expressive! This was the look he was giving his cousins! He was rolling tummy to back but not back to tummy. He was loving solids. This is also when he went into daycare and I went off to work. It was hard and still is. Our bond has not lessened and he is thriving, but I still struggle leaving him. So thankful for school holidays!

8 months old and he's pretty much sitting up independently. His little personality is coming out. I'm pretty sure he was rolling both ways at this pony as well. But no where near crawling! 

9 months and he has learnt to clap and is getting his first two teeth! Still not crawling! 9 months is also when he contracted hand foot and mouth, it's a horrible disease. 

My poor boy suffered through almost two weeks of sickness. Broke my heart. 

10 months and he is almost crawling. He can go from lying down to sitting up but still hasn't quite got the crawling happening. 

11 months! Toby is now waving, clapping and throwing tantrums!!! He started crawling not long after 11 months. 

Toby is 1 in a couple of days! He is now pulling himself up on everything and just started to cruise along furniture! He is getting into everything! He is getting very good at communicating and has learnt the word no (along with the shaking of the head). He loves feeding himself and playing with other kids. I cannot believe how much he has grown, developed and changed over the year. It's really remarkable and I've enjoyed each stage.

I love motherhood. It's definitely had it's ups and downs but overall, Toby has been such a joy. I really cannot imagine my life without him. 

My big-headed boy!

The words I fear most in this world are - "There might be something wrong with your baby..."

I booked Toby into his 8 month check up and went along feeling incredibly confident that all was ok. Before the appointment I went through my green book checking what he should be doing and in my opinion, he was meeting all his milestones. I am sure this visit would be just a simple weigh in and health check and then be sent on my merry way. Oh how wrong I was!

We arrived and the nurse checked out Toby, as they always do. Measured and weighed him, that is where the problem was. His head had some "accelerated head growth". Plus, according to the Maternal Health Nurse, his fontanelle was too big, which can be a sign of development delays. The nurse tried to reassure me that he was not showing any sign of a delay, he was not only meeting his milestones, he was a little ahead. But it was too late, the damage was done. He is my little boy, my perfect little boy and you are telling me there might be something wrong with him?

I held it together till I was in my car, then the tears started. I can no longer see any reason when someone in the medical field says there is something wrong with Toby. I immediately turn into an emotional mess. My anxiety surrounding Toby's growth and development has been there since he was conceived.

Following the advice from the Maternal Health Nurse I booked in a doctors appointment for the next day. I went along to my doctor and he looked at Toby's growth charts, he agreed with the nurse on all accounts. He then wrote a referral to see a Paediatrician and faxed it off for me. As soon as I left the doctors I rang the Paediatrician and pushed for an appointment the next day, I got one.

That night I stared at Toby's charts, spoke to friends who were in the medical profession, googled a lot and cried! So thankful for the friends who were there for me, they were constantly praying, texting and continually encouraging me, I appreciate them more than words can express!

Toby's appointment was at 10 am the next morning. The Paediatrician was lovely, Toby happily played in her room while I answered all the questions she had. It was then time for her to examine Toby, by this time he was seriously over people touching his head!! After the examination the Paediatrician told me that I need to go to the Royal Children's Hospital. I looked at her a little shocked and asked if she meant right now, today. Her reply was yes, right now and she was calling ahead to let them know I was on my way. Toby needed further tests as she suspected he might have fluid on the brain, Hydrocephalus. I said ok, held myself together while I paid for the consultation and organised all the paper work from the Paediatrician for the hospital.

Once in the car I called Jay but couldn't really talk because of the tears. Even now writing this causes the same emotion. My beautiful boy. The emotions of a mother will never be understood by anyone until they become a mum. I drove to the hospital imagining all the worst case scenario's, even imagining him having brain surgery!

I arrived at the hospital and went straight to triage. The nurse entered his details and sure enough there were already notes on his file from a doctor, who my Paediatrician obviously contacted. We were taken around to the ultrasound waiting room. They said they were fully booked for the day but would fit Toby in as soon as they could. Thankfully my brother came and sat with us, his support was appreciated. And I needed nappies! I had planned on going to the shops straight after seeing the Paediatrician to buy nappies!! Of course, that didn't happen. After an hour or so Toby's  name was called. I stared at the screen while the ultrasound was being done trying to work out what he was seeing and if it was good or bad, of course, I had no idea!!!!

After the ultrasound we went back into the waiting room and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited.

Toby was his normal happy self, no idea what was going on!

Toby loved watching and yelling at the fish in the huge aquarium.

He even managed to have a bit of a snooze.

Finally, 6 hours after arriving at the hospital Toby's name was called. We went in to talk to the Hospital Paediatrician about the results. I don't remember her name, but I remember how amazing she was. The Paediatrician read out the results from the ultrasound "No excess fluid found, perfect amount of grey matter", his brain was fine. Thank God for that. She then measured my head, turns out it is on the 98th centile, it is big (more ways than one). The paediatrician said that he just has a big head. I asked her about the fontanelle and the chances of a delay. She was very sweet and went through every possible disease linked to large heads and fontanelle's and why Toby doesn't have it. Toby was sitting on my lap clapping at everything she was saying, it was very cute. She said that he was a perfect little boy, the fontanelle seemed fine to her, and it will close in good time. The relief I felt cannot be put into words, he was ok.

I came home absolutely exhausted but I am so thankful that I live in a country with such amazing medical care. I may have had to wait for a long time but that doesn't matter, my baby boy was seen to that day and received top medical care and advice.

Just to be sure his head was ok, I needed to get it measured again in six weeks time to make sure it is not still growing at the same rate. Back to the Maternal Health Nurse we went, and it had only grown .5 of a cm in the 6 weeks but his boy had grown 2 cm's! He is now back in proportion and there is no more worry about his head!!!! Maybe he was in the middle of a growth spurt and his head grew first? He does need an additional graph in his green book because he is officially off the charts! I have a big, perfect and happy little boy. All this was stressful and emotion but I am so thankful he is ok. While it caused a lot of drama I am still glad the Nurse brought it to my attention, if there was something wrong, its best to get onto these things early.

I just think he is super smart needs a big head to contain all his brains! ;)

It's all good!

Wow, its been weeks since I last wrote a post! It feels like only days though, time is flying!!

The last post was all about Toby starting daycare and about how I was going to cope working full time. For the first three days Toby cried on and off all day, so did I! It was so hard. My heart would break when I rang the centre and heard him crying in the back ground. I knew it was going to be tough but as Jay and I were finding out, it was so much harder than we both ever expected. I had only been back at work two days and I was questioning the decision. Were we doing the right thing? Am I harming my son? Will Toby regress? So many questions floating around in my head and I was constantly beating myself up and I felt so guilty. And this was only after two days!

Monday morning of the second week came around. I called the daycare at 12 to see how Toby was going and expected to hear crying, but I didn't! They said he was going really well, yay! I went to pick him up and he cried when he saw me, but that was it. He had a great day. Much more settled than the previous two days! A week into and Toby stopped crying when I arrived, he just gave big smiles! Of course, if I didn't pick him up within the first 30 seconds then there would be tears!

Toby has attached himself to the carers, who give him lots of hugs and kisses. (I spy on them before going into the room) I can see that they genuinely care for my son and enjoy looking after him. They take him to different rooms to show him off and everyone in the centre knows him by name and continually tells me what a beautiful boy I have. I am so glad he is getting love and attention from these amazing child care workers.

Now we are 5 weeks in and Toby is loving it! He has a little whinge when he is dropped off, but that's all. He loves watching the kids play, they all know him by name and involve him in the games, singing and other activities. It's so good for him socially. He eats well and sleeps well. At home he is still a very happy boy who hasn't regressed. He still babbles, plays and has even started clapping! 

After I pick him up he is attached to me for the rest of the night. That's ok, cause I'm attached to him! I love our cuddles and just being with each other, just me and him. We play, read, sing and just talk. It's precious time that I cherish. I almost don't want him to go to bed! 

My beautiful boy

Jay and I have settled into the daily routine pretty well. As I said previously, I'm enjoying my job. Some days it's very hard. One Monday morning I went to work with only 3 hours of broken sleep. It's amazing what you can do on such little sleep!! I'm tired all day, everyday. But this is my life, this is what I have to do so I might as well get on with it!  

I'm so thankful for a supportive team at work. They know who they are! Thank you! And also an awesome husband who helps out so much in many areas. He even gets up to Toby through the night, I am blessed. 

I now know that we have done the right thing. My son is fine, I'm enjoying work and we are building a house and future for our family. We are doing what is right for us. Life is good. Life is very good. Slowly we will reach all our goals, one day at a time! 

Working Mum

It's begun, I am back at work, I am officially a working mum. I really don't know how to be a working mum.

I was meant to go back on Monday however, both Toby and I have been very sick. Because of the sickness I couldn't do daycare orientation for a couple of weeks. Not what I had planned. This was not how it was meant to happen. The doctor had given me Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off. On Wednesday the doctor gave Toby the all clear. I took him into daycare on the Wednesday afternoon as I was heading back to work on the Thursday. We went into the room and I sat with him for a while and then the staff kicked me out and made me a coffee. Around 20 minutes later Toby was brought to me as he was crying his little heart out. Broke my heart, the tears started.

Wednesday night I went home and prepared Toby's bag and my bag. I wrote long notes to the daycare to tell them what Toby eats, how he goes to sleep and other bits and pieces. I did a check list for Jay too.  I crawled into bed at 1230am and silently cried myself to sleep. I knew I would be a working mum but I always thought I would stay home till my baby was 12 months old. It just hasn't worked out that way, so we will all have to adjust.

My alarm went off Thursday morning at 6am. I dragged myself out of bed. I quickly got myself ready, got Toby and my breakfast organised and then woke Tobes up at 630. Gave him a breastfeed and then gave him to his daddy to feed him his solids. It was weetbix so I am very happy to hand that over!! I left the house around 720am. Drove through Macca's and got myself a coffee. That is my daily indulgence, a nice coffee. Mainly, so I don't fall asleep!!!

I got to work just before 8am. I held back my tears all the way and even at work I was ok. It wasn't until I saw one of my close friends that the tears fell and I couldn't stop them. I missed my baby. My boy. My world. My heart was breaking and the tears were an expression of this. I am crying now writing this! All of my work colleagues were so supportive, I work with such great people (y'all know who you are!). The first thing I did when I got to work was put up photo's of my boy so I can look at him and show him off to the world!

My photo board at work

Toby stayed with his daddy all morning. Jay does a great job with him, feeds him, puts him to bed and even changes nappies. I am blessed. Out of all this I think this is such a positive, dad and son are going to have such a strong bond. At 1130am Jay took him to daycare. Poor Jay gets the hard job, the drop off. I think this proved to be harder for Jay than what he imagined. I called the daycare not long after Jay left and Toby was ok. I think he plays happily then remembers I am not there and has a little cry. He ate his lunch, had a 1.5 hour sleep and did not get into a state like he did Wednesday. I was so relieved. I picked him up at 3pm, I walked in and he burst into tears. Again, which started my tears! As soon as he was in my arms he was ok. We came home and had some quality mummy and baby time.

Today was a bit harder for him. There were 10 other kids in the room today, so a bit more noisy. He doesn't like noise, hopefully he will adjust soon. He did well, again. I am so proud of my boy. He is such a champion. I wanna wake him up and hug him now!!!! It was a bit better for me, except he woke at 530 so my day began very early. I still cried saying goodbye but once I was at work I was ok. I picked him up today at 315, he'd been there 4 hours. He will only ever be there for 5 hours so he did super well. Afterwards we went out for a coffee together.

Toby having coffee with me this afternoon. Very happy boy!

My life is going to be busy. It starts at 6am (unless he wakes early!) and Toby goes to bed at 830pm. Between those hours I really don't stop! Once he is in bed I have chores to do, lunches to make and then try and get some early nights! Doubt that'll happen! I really want to try and keep the weekends free so that we have quality time as a family. Even if I just sit and play with Toby all day, just give him a couple of days without me having to do heaps of other things.

One thing that is making it a little easier is that I have found a fantastic daycare for him. The director is lovely, the staff members are lovely and its got a great vibe. Anyone in my area looking for a daycare let me know! I cannot recommend them highly enough. What is also great is that Jay was able to move his shifts around so he can look after Toby every morning. Its all worked out really well. Hopefully Toby will have settled down in a couple of weeks and he can start to enjoy playing with the other kids.

I knew going back to work was going to be hard, but I didn't realise how hard. But no matter what my son is constantly on my mind and thoughts. I love him and miss him more than any words could express.